🍁Day 11 of 31🍁
Part 1 of 7 – Fall Edition
Can’t get out my head, It’s the atmosphere
Colours change, blue grass like the Lumineers
I’m too deep, too deep to get outta here
Too deep, too deep to get outta here
How will we make it out alive?
Nao – Make it Out Alive
9:20 am – Not sure what I plan to write today but I plan on writing. I plan on keeping my commitment. I plan on honoring my word.
9:43 am – Checked Snapchat: Looked at Memories and found exactly what I wanted to talk about today.
9:57 am – Youtubed NAO and a new song came up, so I gave it a listen.
Nao: Make It Out Alive
Setting the mood; that’s what I was doing. See, I can only write when I have soulful music playing in the background. I have this playlist that’s titled “Writing the Book.” I started it a while back while I was building the details of my books up and I’ve kept it and continued adding so I could use it anytime I wanted to write. It sets the mood with the soft melodies and fine instrumentals nothing to heavy, nothing to loud, it’s just right and the sound of it is perfect. Ironically, majority of the songs are love songs or life songs.
I’ve noticed that I started to treat this as my journal in some of my post and in others it’s been exactly what I aimed for it to be. There’s been a story – a journey I wanted to share for a while, but the words never formed correctly. Things never came together the way I intended so I scrapped it and left it behind me, in the past where it transpired and belonged. The thing is it kept coming back to me and every time I thought about speaking about it, I did so when my birthday came around and so today we begin. We begin the journey of the unfolding of what brought Lex here.
Yesterday was Mental Health day and I penned one of my shortest blogs. Truthfully, I didn’t want to post it. I’d shared it with friends and family but never strangers. A part of me, a big part of me, told me not to but I did it anyway, and not for me but for someone out there who was struggling.
10:43 am – I avoided this, let forty minutes pass. I wanted to keep it for myself but something inside said it’s meant to be shared with the world. The problem is I don’t know where to begin so we will start with a year ago today.
10/11/2017 – I awoke in a nervous, anxious, joyful mood. On the inside I was slowly dying, I just hadn’t realized it yet. Besides, that I was about to board a plane with my niece that I’d placed on a pedestal far higher than one a niece normally holds. For her sixth birthday we were going on a Surprise trip to California, so we could visit Disneyland and Family.
The ironic thing is everything pointed to me not taking this trip, but I didn’t listen – I couldn’t listen.
I had an allergic reaction to something about three days prior to my departure. I woke up and my face felt itchy, but I paid it no mind. I went to get ready for the day and screamed at the sight before me. My entire face was swollen, and I had hives everywhere. I mean my entire body had hives but my face had it the worst. My eyes were swollen shut, I was uncomfortably itchy, and I barely had an appetite.
I wasn’t working at the time, in fact I hadn’t had a steady job in almost eight months. Despite not having a regular source of income I still thought I needed to take this trip. If not for me, for my niece. For the fact that my tickets were non-refundable. For the fact that I thought I needed this. Besides I was expecting a check for almost two-thousand dollars, it just needed to get there before I left – and it did, literally the day before I left.
Majority of my bills hadn’t been paid and I was in an overwhelming amount of debt, but I couldn’t pull myself out. My time had expired at my friend’s house and I was no longer able to stay there. Thinking of getting my own place wasn’t a thought that even crossed my mind as I slept in the living room of my mother’s two-bedroom apartment. Facing the fact that I was Depressed, and hurting wasn’t something I thought was necessary. Speaking out and stating that I needed help wasn’t something that I thought I needed to do, my mind told me they seen that I was crumbling.
Things were bad – worst, then they’d ever been.
I boarded that flight knowing I needed time with a friend who did nothing but uplift me and a cousin that encouraged me. I boarded that flight with my two favorite girls; my Ganma and my Niece. I boarded that flight thinking I’d return out of my depression. I boarded that flight thinking everything would somehow disappear and just be better, everything would be good.
I mean I was going to California with two-thousand dollars to spend on myself and my niece; more money than I’d ever traveled with in my twenty-four years of living. I was going to spend a few days with my best friend and possibly celebrate my birthday early by clubbing. Ironically, she left the night I got there on a business trip and returned the day after I left so I’d only managed to spend about three hours with her. I’d planned on seeing a few family members, but due to schedule conflicts I only saw the family we stayed with.
I’d convinced myself prior to boarding that flight that everything was going to be good. I’d convinced myself when my best friend told me she was leaving that everything was going to be good. I’d convinced myself at OUE Skyspace that everything would be good even though I left my niece with my cousin’s majority of the time, I’d convinced myself at Disneyland when I had an anxiety attack from the crowds of people that everything was going to be good.
Looking back, Disneyland, is what told me everything wasn’t good and that it wasn’t going to be good for a while.
I returned the day before my birthday, because well I’d never spent a birthday without the company of my immediate family. It was literally the worst day of my life. My mother hadn’t shopped for anything to prepare for my birthday. The house wasn’t presentable for a party. Nobody called to spend the day with me. Once my family arrived I got into an argument and told them all to leave because they hadn’t brought any of the kids to celebrate with me.
I wanted to die that day!
Salir Con Vida, Sonneblom Lex
œ♥ Candid Picture Below (from 10/17/2017) œ♥
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∞ No one ever noticed that this smile was screaming for help. Heck, I don’t think I realized it. But I’d lost my smile and no one realized it. Knowing that no one seen me, I mean really seen me, broke me and built me at the same time. I found love and care beyond people because “people” weren’t there.