January 12, 2019
It’s like I’m in that emotion but out of that emotion,
Where’s the switch that will flip on my dreams,
And off my fears?
This hole is dark and lonely,
No one seems to be able to get close,
No one can get near,
No one seems to be able to fill the holes,
It’s like a never ending well,
That you don’t want a sip from,
Or a bottle that you can’t close.
It’s unprovoked thoughts,
Telling you to commit actions that go against your heart,
It’s a silent battle,
It’s suffering in the dark,
It’s no one knowing,
But still knowing somethings wrong,
It’s as if you’ve lost control of the best part of you,
And there’s no where to go to get another hold on you,
It’s being happy while being sad and not knowing how to change it,
Or how it even came about,
It’s a boulder sitting on your chest,
Except it’s invisible,
You can feel it,
No one can see it,
It’s smiling with your mouth but yet it never reaches your eyes,
It’s wanting to be trapped in a closet while wanting to go to the biggest party and be surprised,
It’s confusion and chaos without anything transpiring,
It’s needing the comfort of somebody,
But even that somebody isn’t comforting,
It’s unexplained sadness and feelings of inadequacy,
It’s a battle with someone at your door even though they don’t know your watching them through the aperture,
It’s being split into two while still being one,
It’s a scary wave of reality and your never sure when the tidal wave will hit the shore,
It’s fear of the unknown and how dark that dark place could get,
It’s a never ending battle that people often dismiss,
It’s an inexplicable feeling that varies from each being,
It’s a joy stealer and a party crasher,
Requesting that the fun be left outdoors,
It’s a secluder and a barrier keeping you from what should be yours,
It’s a monster and your safety net all in one course,
It’s the feeling of being swallowed whole and thrown back up as if it never happened before,
And no matter how much you wish,
There’s no switch to turn it off and on.
Nothing to flick, nothing to click,
It just comes and goes – whenever it wants,
Your not in this alone…..
*I never thought I’d be back here, ya know? Back in this black hole that I don’t know how to get out of. I thought if I took the steps to heal; seek counseling, work through my emotions, sort out my emotions, that I’d be good.
I thought that as long as things were “okay” I’d be good and I’d never face this again. Boy was I wrong!
Can I be honest for a moment?
– I wrote this when I was suffering. Heck, I still am! Something made me feel ashamed and so instead of posting this last Saturday I pushed it out for months and pushed up this Saturday’s piece. I wanted to pretend that this wasn’t there and that I’d just imagined these feelings.
I’m currently on the “Confronting Mental Illness” episode on the Red Table Talk and not even five minutes into the video I got an overwhelming feeling to just post it, I mean it’s no secret! Honestly one of the hardest battles with it is that even if you go through it, it still doesn’t make sense.
Well, here it is!
Pure, raw emotion – that captures everything that I’ve felt from the beginning to now.