Dating, Relationships, & Millennials Pt.2

Quick recap; one day we were friends – the next day we weren’t. I distinctly remember the day, the feelings of betrayal, the questions wondering why, and the void for where you once belonged. Best friends turned to enemies… I guess best friends are just figures of who y’all used to be, or better yet what y’all used to be.

Don’t play we’ve all been there before rather male or female. Somehow, we’d stumbled upon “our person” the one that was just different from all other friends. You know, that friend that’s turned into family, something like your chosen sister or brother. In my books a friend is the family you choose. The ones that you don’t have to do life with however you choose to because something inside of them makes something inside of you a little different.

Much like when we were children finding friends as an adult is just as hard. When we’re five all we were looking for was someone to be genuinely nice and not laugh at us behind our backs, honestly not much changes at twenty-five, we still want those same things perhaps with a bit more spice added to it. At twenty-five we aren’t only looking for someone that is genuinely nice but someone that is also trustworthy, open, and honest.

I often hear of stories of the betrayals of “friendship” and afterwards I’m always left with the same words, “those two were never really friends” but is it really that simple? In hind sight I think many of us fail to realize that friendships are in fact relationships. They take work from two willing parties to work and it has to be a clear line of communication in order for this to take place.

A few years back I’d seen my best friend after what felt like ages and this overwhelming feeling came over me as if I was standing before a stranger. We sat and talked. Catching up over drinks but the feeling inside wouldn’t leave and the person before me was no longer who I thought she’d be. It was the oddest feeling I’d ever felt with her and for a bit I really believed that we must’ve grown so much apart that we no longer were the best friends we once had been.

Truthfully, if she wasn’t the person she is, I more than likely would have just let it go. It being the friendship. It being her and whatever this bullshit was. That’s how different this was. I mean we’d been friends half our lives but the person before me surely wasn’t someone I’d ever seen or spent time with before. Isn’t that crazy? I literally was about to say to hell with a friend I’d known half my life all because one day when I seen her the “vibes” were off. It sounds absolutely absurd but many people have done similar things, the energy was off so you picked a fight and that fight led to you two never speaking again.

Or what about the friend who always has an excuse when it’s time to celebrate you. Somehow they can always find a way to be in the mix unless that mix is specifically for you. I distinctly remember one birthday she’d flaked for what I’d considered the last time and I had to let her have it. I told her exactly how I felt and that she couldn’t possibly be my real friend if she couldn’t celebrate the one day that was designed for me. Yes, she’d been there on other occasions but since she wasn’t there on this one I was ready to call our five year friendship quits.

I’d have to say out of all the friendships and calling it quits with those said friends, the hardest ones to end happened to be where the lines had been blurred from friend to a little bit more. High school was a time of discovery. A time where I wanted to find my place and exactly who I was. Ironically, almost ten years later I’m only now truly finding what and where my place really is, and hell in the next ten years I may find that this isn’t the place for me anymore – but that’s another story for another time. Either way I had a few friends that scribbled on the once straight lines and distorted the views of what we used to be.

The first waited years before finally revealing his true intentions about why he was my friend. So was he ever my friend or did he always want to be my man was the question that ran through my mind every time I’d see him after that fateful conversation.  The realization that he actually liked me more than our best friend status bothered me in ways that would affect my male friendships in the future. The next one was like a rainbow after it stormed. Truly, a friend that was a confidant, a support system, and genuine enough to check me when it was needed. I’d have to say this one caused the most self-inflicted pain because before there was ever a relationship there was a friendship, I’d simply negated that fact that a friendship is where it should have stayed at.

Therapy has taught me that every extended interaction with another human being is some form of relationship. With friends the category can be vast and wide but I’m only just learning this as an adult. I can remember as a small child my Ganma would tell me often that you don’t need friends and that if you do a few is just fine. Now, don’t tell my Ganma this but as an adult I beg to differ. I have friends for everything I do now. Friends that are interested in partying occasionally. Friends that like to just sit around the house and talk. Friends that like to go eat, have drinks, and laugh. Friends that like to go to church and pray with me. Friends that I only see when it’s business related. See? I have friends for every occasion. Even a friend that I can just talk about life’s issues with.

One thing I’ve realized is that some friends are meant to be in our lives for a moment and others are meant to be in our lives for a lifetime. For instance, the friend with the weird vibes – she’s a lifetime friend but she’s changed. The problem is I took the change as switching up on me when in reality she’d just evolved to someone new just as I’d done the same. She’s a friend that no matter what will be considered family because that’s just the way the vibes have always been despite that one time. A quick look in the mirror and a few months of no talking allowed me to really see her for who she’d grown to be. A grown woman who no longer had the ability to drop everything, every time I came running. Was she a fake friend because of this? No, she simply was busy. My emotions and irrational expectations almost cost me one of my nearest and dearest friends.

Or what about the friend that didn’t show up when I wanted her to but showed up when I needed her to? Was the friendship worth ending or was it worth reevaluating? For this one, it was a reevaluation about how she was in my life that allowed us to remain friends. I’d sat and thought about all the times we’d spent together and other than “turning up,” I couldn’t really think of any significant amount of time where we just sat and talked about life. I’d somehow created this image in my mind that she was my all around friend when in fact she’d only shown me that we were good to party together.

Lastly, the friends who’d ventured into my lives as became more than friends. Well unfortunately neither of them are still friends of mine. The first friend had felt like the ultimate betrayal. We’d established what I though was a brother and sisterhood when in fact it was something else all along. I personally felt cheated and lied to and so I just couldn’t continue the friendship. The next wasn’t as simple. I often battle with wondering if throughout the course of our friendship/relationship we were truly in love or what the hell it was. We’d break up then makeup swearing to solely be friends and somehow we’d find ourselves entrapped in each others arms yet again. The friendship was the grounds for everything and my was it a beautiful friendship. Somehow, the relationship never translated as beautifully as the friendship did. Shit was just off. I’m not really sure why but I take it as a sign that us going on different courses is exactly what should be.

Yes, friendships are relationships but with every relationship we must evaluate who we are, what we expect, and who we are requiring it from. I read somewhere a few years back that we sometimes construct what type of friend someone is to us based on what we desire out of a friend, but again we choose our friends – so if they aren’t equipped with the things you are looking for in a friend it’s simply a reflection of you. If I had to give any advice to someone with friends it’d be not to limit your friends. Don’t place them in the box you want them but instead allow them to freely be who they are and their place will reveal itself. Also, don’t force it. We all have expiration dates. Someone could be your closest friend in college and twenty years from now although you don’t talk to them everyday when you do talk it feels like you spoke just yesterday. Lastly, be open. Friends can come from anywhere and at anytime. Some will come and go and others will stay but be open to accepting them as they come and saying goodbye as they go.

/ess

Wish I had the words,

To describe the feeling,

Describe the pain,

Like a match with a flame,

Like the sun after the rain,

Like a sword in my chest,

Twisted and chained,

If I pull out – you’ll die,

If I stay,

It’ll be the same,

No look on your face,

Frozen and speechess,

The blood has left your body,

You’re now colorless and speechess

 

Speechess

So it’s fuck me,

and my feelings too?

Forget my blues,

You have no clues,

No clue of what your doing,

How much pain your infusing,

Got me confused,

and angered,

I think I got a few grays,

Sprouting around,

Shit will never be the same,

Time will never heal the pain,

For once,

imma give you a change,

Since it’s fuck me,

it’s fuck you too,

Times up,

there’s nothing to lose,

Speechess that you made me choose,

I thought same how,

Some way,

You’d see it my way,

See, that if you didn’t come through,

We wouldn’t be the same….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turkey’s Gone & So are You

I really love these holidays, but damn do the holidays love me? Somehow everything fell together in the midst of everything falling apart and there I stood alone, wondering where the hell you were….

 

Inevitably, the holidays are some of the hardest times of the year for many people and a variety of different reasons. From the absence of those you loved that have since passed on from this life. To the things you can’t do or the life you don’t yet have. Many people dread the moment where an aunt will ask, “So, Brittany, when are you going to finally get married?” They dread the moment where grandma will say, “Damn, what you think you better than us now that you got that little degree?” It’s the shady comments and the awkward stares that make people want to avoid holidays as if they were the plague.

“It was the slap in the face after life had already punched me down. It was unfair.”

While these questions are significant and the lack of their possession can make one feel inadequate the real pain comes from the void of those you wished were there. That old love that you thought you’d spend forever with, but instead of accepting your proposal she said no and that she could find someone better. The child that grew in your belly the one you raised with love and affection, but turned to the streets full of addiction and hopelessness. Or if you are like me, it’s the cousin that’s missing. Often times, your cousins are your first best friends and they are inevitably some of the first people you look forward to seeing at a holiday affair but that’s extremely hard when they are dead.

 

Sorry for my brashness, but I don’t often face that reality. I don’t often say that word. Dead. Ugh! It’s such an ugly word. I mean just look at it, it appears lifeless and sounds heartless. The word is disgusting if I’m brutally honest. It’s the single most painful word I’ve ever heard. DEAD. The one thing that keeps me from seeing my cousin is that she’s dead, just as someone you love is also. It’s what separates us on holidays and special occasions and everyday in between. It’s what prevents me from calling her for an official slay and saying to hell with the whole process, anyway.

 

Perhaps if her death hadn’t taken me by surprise, I’d feel a bit more closure but her death came after a torturous battle, one where I couldn’t win for losing. It was the slap in the face after life had already punched me down. It was unfair. Shit, it’s still unfair but yet I’m here and she’s there. Nothing I say, nothing I do can change that and so I just have to deal with it. Deal with the void. Deal with the hole. Deal with the fact the she’s never coming back. Never coming back.

“You must get through, because pushing it down will have you boiling over the surface at an unexpected time.”

I wanna say more, but I’m at a lost for words. Typing that out is different – the rawness of those words being on paper or a screen just made them REAL. It solidified that although I wrote her down as a guest who attended my home for Thanksgiving, the only place she’d visited was my mind and my heart. She was missing. Hell, she was gone. But she wasn’t too far from me. I thought of her, saw and heard her laugh, and felt her presence. Was it the way I wanted? Nope. But was it something? Yes.

 

I’m not the only one in the world going through these emotions. I hear you all. I see you all. I went through the pain too. Perhaps, at a different time than you but I went through it too. I just happen to find a release in writing so here I am sharing with you. Being vulnerable and transparent with you. You just have to decide how you are going to get through. You have to decide how you will go on enjoying the holidays even though some of your favorite people aren’t there. No, you can’t just act like it didn’t happen. No, you can’t tell yourself they are on a long vacation. You must get through, because pushing it down will have you boiling over the surface at an unexpected time. Face it and say it, it’s going to hurt but you’ll be okay – eventually.

 

Admitting the facts are the first part but it’s a long journey to being okay with something that you wish you could change. I get that. I get all that funky stuff. The funky feelings of wallowing. The funky feelings of not accepting. The funky feelings of moving through the day without actually being present for any of it. So I ask if not for yourself this holiday season that you do it for them. For those you love that are still here. I mean after all the people you still have here are counting on you. Waiting for you to get back in the spirits of joy during the holiday season. Waiting for you to be excited about celebrating with them. They are waiting for you to see that they are still here no matter how painful it is that some people aren’t.

-With Love, Lex

 

 

P.S. For the last two years I take December off. No one see’s or hears from me unless they see and hear me. This time is for me and my memories. It’s time to reflect on the pains and gains from life. It’s time to plan an intentional future. It’s time to just be. No pressure from the outside world – just family, friends, and coworkers. During this month I’ll be blogging more, being more conscious of my mindfulness, and working through some stuff that I’ve put off all year. Ya know? Regroup. I hope you plan on sticking with me because there’s so much I want to tell you about and help you work through. If you want to join, comment below and tell me what you plan to do to rejuvenate on your social media break.

 

 

 

Dating, Relationships, & Millennials

“Memories.” I know I’m not the only one who manages to stumble upon a memory from one of the various social media sites that house all the things you don’t want to forget. No? Nah? Okay, cool – glad I’m not in this alone because Snapchat decided to remind me of a few memories from two years ago and well… here the hell we are. The video surely brought up feelings I’d thought were processed and healed and if not at the least they were buried. Between facebook, snapchat, and the new instagram update I’m flooded with memories of what could’ve been, what should’ve been, and flat out what will never be. I know I’m not the only one and frankly this is a topic that I’ve been wanting to dive into for the last year and a half so here it goes.

 

The icky, sticky, topic of dating and relationships in this new “millennial era.”

“Somehow we’d fallen in and out of love countless times but we still knew that the other would catch us before we had a chance to break.”

If I’m honest the video did more than bring up old feelings that I’d forgot about, it also helped me realize that I wasn’t over it as much as I thought I was. The carpet was pulled from beneath my feet and the realization that the safety net and comfort of what used to be was no longer there. This time the break, the cut, the end seemed real. Or at least more real than it ever had.

 

Somehow what began as a friendship had led to a crutch. One where no matter how many times I broke my leg the crutch was always there. No matter what relationships we began we had relied on each other being there when they failed. Somehow we’d fallen in and out of love countless times but we still knew that the other would catch us before we had a chance to break. We knew that no matter what we could always go back to each other. We could always rely on each other.

 

Now let’s be real.. What kind of bs is that?

 

How unfair is it for a person to know that when coming into this new relationship with you if things don’t go right they have a “backup” plan ready and willing. I mean if the shoe were on the other foot and the person I was seeing, the one that was talking to me about building a future, the one that was wining and dining me, and making me feel like the only one; was actually just waiting for a “fuck up” I’d be pretty pissed. If at the drop of a dime or a really heated argument he could just leave and still have “someone” to swoop right in, I’d be pretty hurt and beyond pissed.

 

Now, don’t go side-eyeing and rolling your eyes because I know I’m not the only one and he surely isn’t the only one either. If I’m honest I’m a bit of a people watcher. I follow trends of the things they say, what they do, and how they move. More than anything I follow how their words align with their actions and 9/10 there actions speak something completely different than what their words say. This is for all people, not a man or a woman but people in general. Now, I also give the benefit of the doubt or what others would call “grace”  because I know that sometimes people’s intentions are one thing and their reality is another.

“I mean if we’re honest, the love of our life isn’t going to be able to just walk in and out of the door.”

I see it often where a man or woman has been in a relationship and things don’t work out. I mean after all it’s easy to see because we as people no longer believe in privacy so everything is spewed across the internet. Photos reveal who someone is dating unless they choose to fill us in with every detail through their various status updates. Let’s not mention those who hint at being in a relationship but never change their relationship status and never post a picture of their significant other “because the world doesn’t need to know their business” – those people crack me up because either they are secretly in multiple relationships or they are single and want others to believe the hype.

 

Nevertheless, we aren’t the only ones – so it made me wonder why do we as people do this at all? It sums up to only a few things; with the first being comfort. Many of us will stay in relationships with people we hate because it’s comfortable. In all actuality it’s not comfortable it’s just what we’ve grown accustomed to. There’s no guessing because we know that they will rise to the occasion in this instance and we know that they will let us down in the other. We know what to expect although we may be pushing for more.We know how they can pleasure us and how they can sadden us. It boils down to a really sad reality of knowing how we will be hurt and already knowing how that hurt feels.

 

The next is “access.” When we have already encountered a relationship with someone we already know that we have access to their heart and to their mind. We know that we have access to a place in their life. We know that this access is available as long as we want it, need it, or can make space for it. Add children to the equation and the access becomes infinite. It’s the “access” that takes us into the last piece that allows us to have a crutch in our back pocket; “the past and the memories.” The past and the memories is what we ultimately allow to be our wrecking ball. We remember the moments where he treated us like a queen, the moments where he swept us off our feet and made our smile gleam. We remember the moments where she catered and cared for you that made you feel as if you were the only man on this planet. We remember so much that we forget why we left in the first place. We tell ourselves that they have grown and changed and this time will be different because we’re different.

 

Here’s the truth. You ended that relationship because it wasn’t the one for you. Yes, you’ve grown and they’ve grown too but did you both grow in the same ways? More than likely you both didn’t grow in the same direction because if you had you would’ve stayed all along. Comfort and History are nice but something new can be amazingly refreshing, heck it can even be rewarding. See, often times the person we know we can run back and forth to is still there because at least with you they’ll have somebody. I mean if we’re honest, the love of our life isn’t going to be able to just walk in and out of the door. We won’t allow that, because we know the place for them is in our life despite the ups and downs. The question is do you want to have somebody or do you want to have the somebody that is for YOU?

Places Unknown

Displaced feelings,

With displaced emotions,

It’s like a sea of waves,

But it’s not the ocean,

Far from land but it’s all around me,

The cry for touch goes unnoticed,

I mean it’s these displaced feelings – these displaced emotions,

That’s got me rattled,

Got me shaking,

Like sand in a bottle – it’s going slowly,

My displaced emotions has me swimming all over,

With no final destination…

10 Tips to The Next Level

Life. Life has such a funny way of working itself out. When you sit back and think of the life you live you have no control, no real power, you’re simply a muse awaiting to be painted. Some things may go in your favor while others simply won’t… It’s this thought and this thought alone that trips me up almost every single day.

 

I mean.. I just don’t get it. How can this be my life when it was already planned way before I ever entered it? Do my efforts really matter or am I simply following the course that was already predestined for me? How does what was planned for me match up with what I had planned for myself? Or are they one in the same?

 

It’s questions like this one that keep me up at night wondering what’s to come. Like what’s next for Lex?

 

Other than turning twenty-six in exactly one month… truthfully I’m unsure what’s next… Which is why you haven’t heard from me in months. I never wrote for y’all – I wrote for myself and here lately I’ve began to question rather the writing is my what’s next? When the opportunity was there to expand my writing career I passed it up. The inspiration to write seldomly comes in the form of a long blog but rather in a short post.

 

The Blues baby….

 

If I’m fully transparent I’m in the midst of wanting it all while knowing that I can’t go after it all at once. From relationships to my walk in Christ and everything in between – I’m flooded. Flooded like the depths of the ocean my brain has been on overload. I want to pick up everything and feel everything but I know I just can’t.

 

I know the plans I have are too big to do half-ass. I also know that if I wait too long deciding which thing it is I want to do that I will inevitably allow the window to pass me by for every opportunity that could possibly arise. I’m in limbo – stuck in my mind afraid to just act. See, these aren’t the little dreams I thought of as a small girl but instead things that could change my life, heck things that could change the world.

 

My belief is that I’m not alone.

 

Somewhere out there in the big blue there’s a young woman or young man who knows everything they need to do. Who has a list a mile long of how they plan to impact this world – they just haven’t done it yet. If that person is you then this blog is for YOU.

 

First, I’ll share a few reminders on things that you possess that could push you to the next level. Because heck, we’ve wasted enough time on dreaming – it’s time for action right? In times of “doing” I’ll advise you the same way I do my ninth and tenth grade students – with action steps;

  1. Be on time: Prior Preparation, Prevents Piss Poor Performance
  • Say love, a wise man once told me; To be on time is to be late – to be early is to be on time.

2. Work Ethic:  Work like you always worked for yourself.

  •  Honey bunches, a teacher once taught me; If you wouldn’t pay someone to perform just as you do, then it is clear you need to adjust your performance.

3. Effort: You get in, what you put out.

  • A friend once told me; When life gives you lemons you either make lemonade or nasty ass water.

4. Energy: You can only give, what you have. 

  • Words from my therapist; Everything has a box it’s your job to place what goes where and deal with it as it arises. Recharge. Unplug. Breathe.

5. Body Language: Slouching is for animals, your a person sit up straight. 

  • Words from Sonneblom; Crossed arms means you’re closed off and poor posture comes off as being uninterested. If you don’t want to be here go home and take it up with ya mama.

6. Passion: It’s what drives you Beyond the money.

  • Words from Lex; If you wouldn’t do it for free, it probably isn’t something your really passionate about.

7. Doing Extra: Is for you, not for brownie points.

  • Words from somebodies Big Mama; What you do in public matters none if everything you do in private – you make public too.

8. Be willing to Listen: You haven’t heard everything.

  • Words from Myself; A stranger holds stories you’ve never heard, wisdom in which you’ve never learned.

9. Be Coachable: Common sense ain’t common, until somebody tells you.

  • Larry Morrow; Everybody wants to be in the game but nobody takes the time to study the plays.

10. Attitude: ATTITUDE

  • Confucius: The man who says he can and the man who says he can’t are both usually right.

 

Turns out I did have something to say – the thing is it wasn’t to you. Like I said, I didn’t start this journey for you so I can’t continue for you. Somewhere with all the technicalities of running my own site and creating amazing content I lost focus of who this was for – what this was for. As much as I may want to influence, encourage, and motivate others – I first want to do those things for myself not you. Today, we start fresh. A new season, a new journey, same basics but with a different twist. I hope y’all are down for the ride cause I missed you and I hope you missed me too. – Love Lex ♥

Long Love Lost in War

It’s a whale in the sea,

A leapfrog in a pond,

That’s keeping me from you,

It’s been so, so long…

They said no matter the oceans I’d feel the beat strong,

The one from your heart that told a sweet song,

You sacrificed your life for those who weren’t strong,

But who’s gonna fight the battle of being alone,

You took up your shield,

Held honor to your nation,

As you fly that bird that takes you to many destinations,

This place looks familiar but you can’t call it home,

Tell me something will this last long?

The war zone you call norm,

The deaths,

The violence,

The explosions that rock your core,

There’s this gaping hole that’s created a void,

A vacant store where the light doesn’t shine anymore,

Candles blown out there’s no romance in store,

Thoughts of a year away,

Now it’s three — maybe even four,

Does home not entice you anymore?

What happened to you doing this so you could provide more,

Its beginning to feel like I’m in a boat that won’t arrive to shore,

Please don’t enlist anymore,

Your children need you,

They want to see you,

I’m a second away from hopping on a plane to bring you back to the home you call yours.

*I’m no military vet and I don’t have a spouse that serves, however I have family and friends who sacrifice more than a person going to a 9-5 does. They don’t only leave their comfort, they leave their spouse, their children, their normal, their home — and although they willingly took on this commitment they deserve much more than what they’ve been provided rather that’s health care, resources after returning home, or a way to find their way once they make it back home.

Temporary Fix

It’s a hot summer day, 91 degrees to be exact and I’m finally off work. Yesterday, was a doozy I let my battery die and I had to get a jump – luckily it died hours before the end of my shift and I was able to reach out to someone in my office to have them lend me a hand. Today’s problem wouldn’t be so simple – in fact I’d be hot and bothered before I entered my therapist office. Lucky me again, I had some self-reflecting that I needed to start on so the summer breeze with the windows down seemed to be the thing I needed more than having a cool car.

Yep! You guessed it; my air went out in my car and after that session I’m not sure if the air would’ve been enough anyway.

I felt closed in and defeated, irritated and bothered and I wanted nothing more than to get home to take a hot shower. I knew my home would be cool because unlike my car the air in my home had never given me any problems. As lovely, as the thought of cool air and a refreshing shower sounded I wanted to see if I could fix this temporary problem. See, the heating and air have been messed up for almost two years now. There happens to be this little red wire; nothing special about it except it likes to cause me problems.

A couple of years ago my heat went out in the winter and my boyfriend at the time swore that he’d get it fixed and lucky for me he did. The issue is that a few short weeks later it broke again and now I was left questioning what he’d done and how it caused even more damage than before. I huffed and puffed and almost blew a house down because he’d ensured that he’d take it to get fixed and instead he fixed it himself. The issue was not that he’d fixed it himself, I was fine with that — it’d save money from both of our pockets. It was the dishonesty of telling me that he’d taken to get it fixed when he’d actually done the work himself. We were faced with a dilemma of having to come out of hundreds of dollars right before Christmas time and that definitely was not ideal but the gentleman that he was insisted that he’d make sure his lady was riding around in warmth and not in the cold.

 

He managed to get it fixed and I finished the winter out in style with a heated car and a warmed heart. In fact, it made me think of when I was a child and how I didn’t always have things fixed when I made a fuss. After all, I grew up in a middle-class family and we drove a old station wagon that had heat that barely came out. We lived in a big house that didn’t have centralized heating but we never complained about being cold. I remember being a young girl facing a winter storm that knocked out the power and shifted us to a hotel however as soon as we returned home we went out in freezing temperatures and built an igloo in our backyard. The beauty of being a child is that you don’t think of all the things you need to fix you just enjoy life for what it is.

 

This began in November and before I knew it months passed and my heat went out again. Unlike when I was a child, as an adult I’d complain when I was cold — in fact I was always cold and I’d shake like chicken when you dusted the flour off. I gave him a bit more than a piece of mind and requested to know where he’d taken the car after all. Turns out when he took the car to get fixed — he fixed a portion of the problem himself… again! My issue was that since he fixed a portion of it himself the shop advised that they were not responsible for fixing it a few months later so again we’d have to pay the four-hundred dollars. No issue with saving money but now we’d have to come out of that money twice and that just wasn’t happening. It wasn’t in the plan and it certainly wasn’t in the budget. Frustrated and flustered he was caught in a lie and switched me cars until he was able to figure out how he could fix it well enough for me to drive.

 

One little red wire. One little yellow tube. One set of pliers.

 

For the last two years the problem has been fixed; worked for months and then needs fixing again. I keep temporarily fixing it instead of replacing the entire system because it’s not the system that’s broke – it’s one little cord that requires a bit more attention. Honestly, I was fine with temporarily fixing it because all it took was little bit of work in an uncomfortable position. Yesterday was different. Yesterday, I was this close to making the money appear out of no where because there was no way I was going to make it the rest of the summer without my air being fixed.

I decided on going to my local car maintenance store. As I soaked in their air I explained to the clerk my issue at hand and that I was attempting to save myself a few hundred dollars by simply fixing it myself just as I’d been doing. He said he knew what could bring my wire together and it would be safer than the electrical tape I’d been using.

 

One little red wire. One little yellow tube. One set of pliers.

Electrical tape? Over the course of the last year the yellow tube either fell off or I took it off because it was no longer working. I can’t quite remember but I know that my mom suggested using electrical tape because it was safe on wires. The tape was like a bandaid. It would stay in place until something rubbed against it or the moisture in the air would make it fall off. Forget about the speed bumps it was the potholes that always found a way to shake the wires up.

“Much like the speed bumps and potholes you find on city streets this was an up and down battle of keeping something connected that had long ago fallen apart.”

Back at the store I convinced the clerk to not only assist me in finding the correct tube but to allow me to use his clampers — a tool that you can use to smash the tube around the wires. By the end of the search he’d found a box of assorted tubes to ensure I was able to find a size that would fit the wire. He rang me up and insisted that he do it himself because he doesn’t just allow people to use his tools. I had no quarrel with not laying in the awkward position that fixing it required so I allowed him to do until about his tenth try.

He was a muscular man and the size of his arms caused him to rub against one end of the tube as soon as he would get the other side adjusted. Time and time again the wire slipped out of the yellow tube and he kept on trying until I insisted that he let me give it a try. We switched places and after about the fifth try I was successful in getting the wires in the tube. I smashed the tube down with the clampers and stood as I stretched out that awkward position. It was show time and for some reason after all of that work the air still wasn’t working so I bent down again and lifted one of the wires. Like the gentleman that helped me out the wires required a certain amount of room and the way they were pulled didn’t allow for that so I had to adjust them. After a tug here and a tug there it blew out cool and I walked the tools back to the clerk hoping that everything would be good for a while.

Driving home I was no longer hot and flustered instead I drove with a smile that stretched from ear to ear as I enjoyed the cool air coming from my car. I arrived at home and planned to relax as I allowed my dog to go to outside for her bathroom break as I sat and decided on plans for the night. After she was all played out I scooped her poop and went to toss it in the trash when I seen my brother sitting in front of my house. He informed me that he was about to go pick my cousin up so they could go out for his birthday and suggested I follow him to the next destination. Seeing as I hadn’t come up with any plans while tossing toys back and forth to Baby Jay I decided I would join them. As soon as I hopped in my car I noticed that the air wanted to hadn’t kicked in which meant it was messed up, yet again.

I sat at my house for another ten minutes shifting and adjusting the wires as the air came on and off until I had the idea to pen the wire up. As I drove I thought about how jacked up it was that I had to keep applying temporary fixes because nothing I tried worked long enough. My mind raced with a slew of temporary fixes I’d applied in my life. Relationships that I knew were doomed, jobs I knew weren’t for me, activities that I didn’t want to be involved with.

“I’d applied a lot of temporary fixes but as we’ve seen with this story temporary fixes don’t last a while.”

They last briefly, shortly, but they never last long. In this moment of reflection it dawned on me that I was lucky that I was able to apply temporary fixes because some people can’t apply any at all. The relationship never worked, the job never hired you, the activities were never presented to you. You must possess the knowledge to know that some things require fixing, some require mending, and some require never starting. The beauty of life is that when you can’t decide what to do today you still have tomorrow.

Sunflowers

Sunflowers

Sonneblom Lex

June 27, 2019

Sunflowers dropping sun power,

Bringing smiles and a bunch of laughter,

Like a hot day could get any better,

Skin glistening,

Melanin sizzling,

Sunflowers bring me solar power,

The strength to tackle this day,

Because my sunflower is no sunflower,

Like a bird in the sky,

She’s reached her highest fly,

Like a petal in the wind she gave her final goodbye,

Sunflower, oh sunflower,

Won’t you stop on by?

Cause I’ve missed you,

Since I missed you,

And I don’t wanna say goodbye,

Sunflower my sunflower,

I thought I’d get more time,

I thought you’d grow up tall,

Keep blessing folks with that smile,

Keep slaying folks one face at a time,

I thought I’d have you past forever plus a dime,

Guess we ran out of lime,

No more tacos or wine,

I feel bamboozled by a lie,

Because this can’t be why,

I couldn’t of been so out of tune that I didn’t hear your cry,

Much like a butterfly,

You never knew the beauty you possessed inside,

It wasn’t only the outside,

But the core that made you divine,

Tasia, your my sunflower you lean only towards the sky,

And I’ll miss you until it’s my time,

Cause you were the brightest sunflower I’d ever come by…