Pointed Fingers, Fingers Pointed

Pointed fingers,

Like pointy fingers,

Pointing everywhere,

Except the air,

Staking claims,

And placing blame,

I wonder if those fingers feel ashamed,

For pointing fingers,

But making no claim,

For rattling feathers,

And knocking over towers,

Pointed fingers,

Fingers pointed,

One facing outward,

Three facing backward,

Cause when them fingers are pointing,

They pointing in all directions,

But it’s easy to spew hate,

It’s hard to take blame,

For what I’ve done,

What I’ve caused,

Destruction has come,

From those fingers rattling,

The sounds of drums,

An earthquake has come,

Something that can’t be undone,

See, those fingers pointed,

Pointed at everyone but the sun…..

The Bubble that Popped Before The Star

Having children is amazing. You have the chance to create a being far greater than yourself and bring a new life into this world. Your baby comes out of the womb and it knows nothing other than what you teach it; what it hears, feels, and sees. Just as you and your partner have come together to mold the child while inside the womb you come together to assist the child in knowing what’s right from wrong – what’s good and bad.

As infants you hold their neck for support and ensure they don’t fall on the floor. As toddlers you them to stay away from fire, to read books, and have fun. As pre-teens you teach them how to work as team players and build sound friendships. As teens you teach them the values of responsibility and give them more freedom than before. Lastly, as adults you teach them how to successful live on their own.

Imagine the star quarterback being a young kid who didn’t believe in himself. He knew he was something special but he didn’t know if he could win the last game of the year. He’d been up against a lot of odds to get to this point but as time ticked away he just didn’t know if he’d make it. Time would only tell as the last minute ticked down. His coach stood on the sideline face anticipating a touchdown, parents in the stands holding their breath, crowd on the edge of their seats, and the time as has almost frozen when he fumbled the ball.

He looks at his hands, see’s no ball and immediately starts to cry and shout why. He’d tuned out the audience, his family, and his team. It was just him alone standing in the darkness. Time had frozen for him as his team rushed him in awe. The crowds erupt in cheers and that’s when he finally looked down.

See he was so caught up in what he seen as true that he couldn’t see what was actually happening. He couldn’t remember any lessons taught or any gems stored. All the strength inside and the belief somehow slipped out the door. Somehow he became many of us when we have the opportunity of our lives knocking at our door. He became the fearful child that didn’t want to let go of the handlebars, no matter how much mommy coaxed him to believe that he’d be alright when he made it to the floor. Like many of us he got stuck in the moment of what it would be like if he failed that he lost hope before he even realized he’d already won.

Something told me to let go a month ago just like the football player. Constant reminders plagued my mind in every shape and form but I was too in my head to see what was clear as day. What was really knocking at the door. I’d become too caught up with what I thought a year later would like look that I let a year come and didn’t even celebrate.

Focus on the fact that I reached almost 100,000 people in only a year and forget the part where I hadn’t blogged in two months due to life taking its course. Remember that people noticed I hadn’t posted and were anxiously awaiting my next blog, and forget that I don’t have the amount of followers I want. Remember that I’ve been noticed by some amazing people and incredible companies, and forget this agenda that I’ve created on what this moment would look like.

I’d mastered holding up my neck, exemplified confidence and self-respect, but the belief that I was all that I was simply hadn’t come yet. As irony would have it I received my validation when I looked down at the ground to see I’d made the touchdown. Although the final moment had come and I stood feeling defeated – the crowd erupted in cheer as if they were all apart of this victory lap on the field. I’d laid the brick and started the ground work on tackling the things that I wanted but they saw enough in me to support and show up to the games early instead of rolling up when I’d finally won it.

This moment was about many things but the main the thing was that I did the things that made me, me. The things that used to only be apart of my dreams. I did the things that scared me even when those I wanted to support me didn’t. I kicked down the doors of fear and tackled something I’ve always wanted. So here’s to you and the quarterback inside you. To the little girl or boy who that they could go past the moon. To the creative that wants to step out of their being and enter into the art of their freedom. The journey may not look like what you wanted but it damn sure will be worth it!

Selfish

Selfish…

Like everything ‘sposed to go the way you want..

Conform to all your thoughts….

Take ya walk and talk…

Cause everybody ‘spose to be the way you are?

Hmph, tell me what that’s all about?

Cause I just can’t figure it out…

Why your afraid to be who you are…

But want everybody to know how you are…

Mind-readers and soul seekers

You want Magicians and Time-Benders…

It’s not simple enough for them to take fault..

They gotta feel how you feel,

Sharp blow for sharp blow..

Selfish…

Tell me who you really are?

Cause you walk a walk

And talk a talk

But you don’t know who the hell you are

Just ain’t figured it out

That you ain’t perfect

But you worth it cause we all gotta figure it out..

We all made up of flaws

And we all made up of scars

Like the sand after the water washes up on the shore,

Or a brand new canvas you just bought from the store,

Sure enough it’s more,

You just gotta get to the core…

Selfish

Caged Bird

Caged Bird

March 28, 2019

Sonneblom Lex

Photo Credit: Briauna Walls

You ever seen someone you love locked up and caged like a bird?
Free to see, free to hear, but not allowed to touch, can’t even be near.

See, I remember the day back in first grade like it was yesterday.
The sirens going off,
The loud and crazy sounds,
I even remember the guns drawn,

Pointed at my crown,
Remember the shaking of my bones and the loss of breath,
Remember the stripping of my shoes and my body being felt.

Remember wiping off the phone before I brought it close enough to touch.
Remember the people that I met when it went from one love to the next,
The charges being pressed,
While my back was caressed,

Remember the smiles from children’s faces,
And the races to the front desk,

Remember the elevator ride up,
And all the similar faces,

Remember the operator calling before I clicked accept,
Remember her interrupting the call to tell us how much time we have left,
Remember the weekly visits and how I looked forward to the next,

Remember the fancy clothes,

I mean the best of the best,
Remember wondering if you’d ever come home,
If justice would ever be served,
Your voice being heard,
You flying free like a true bird.

Now I wonder what you could’ve learned,

What piece was missed so you could avoid this?

What dollar was paid for others to ensure this?

What happened for you to be so misfortunate?

Was there a book missed or a problem not solved?

Did you leave something unresolved?

I mean I knew you’d done wrong, but I knew you hadn’t done this.

And yet there you go, locked up and caged,

Inferior and enraged,

No longer in your free space,

And it’s probably got to do with your race.

Their cage isn’t forever though,

One day you’ll be set free, like a free bird…

Millennials how do You FEEL?

The last few weeks have been a blur. As dim as the lights are in this fine jazz lounge is as dim as it’s been in my head. I’ve felt an array of feelings and quite frankly it hasn’t been easy to settle on which one to feel because they all come too fast and frequent, that sometimes I wonder which feelings are real.

Happy moments that lead to disappointing moments. Moments of being content to moments of inexplicable worrying. Moments of sadness in the midst of happiness. It’s all such a blur and groundbreaking territory for me.

But Why?

In parts my familiarity with anger and rage are what kept me in that headspace for so long but it’s also due to the things I grew accustomed to know.

From the loud and aggressive wake up calls. The bottling my emotions until they are boiling out of control. The smiling when I’m not really happy, because it’s easier to lie than be vulnerable about what’s really going on. The part where I didn’t understand the context of happiness.

Finding your footing in the midst of chaos?

Simple truth: You Don’t!

 

If you are a millennial like myself you know all to well how our lives are non-stop going. Our world moves a million miles a minute and if you stop to find your footing you will miss the next landing.

Don’t fret! By no means does this imply that you won’t find your grounding or happiness but instead it redefines the myth that Happiness is this place you stay in Forever. As a millennial myself my beliefs are that happiness along with sadness and any other emotion are meant to come and pass us by; each one being felt for the moment it presented to us, and then released to fully process the next one.

We no longer have our slow paced lives where we went out to play and didn’t come back until the street lights came on. We no longer tap into those big imaginations to create fun and laughter from simple pleasures. We were catapulted into a world of no technology to technology beyond our imagination. We don’t take the time to listen or focus on one task.

Us millenials are moving so fast that we don’t always realize everything else won’t move as quickly as us. Sometimes happiness last longer than your last sad moment, perhaps sadness lasted longer than your last happy moment.

The misconception with moving so fast is that you don’t control your emotions and instead your circumstances and encounters do. In parts this is true, just take this first day of Spring after a long cold summer. It’s easy to be in a great mood because the sun is shining, it’s warm, and the day is beautiful, but then what happens when it’s raining and cloudy?

But you can find your grounding, and yes there is a difference.

Red lights, drums, guitars, sexy chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, lights dimly lit, and people enjoying music. Green Lady Lounge, got me back to writing.

 

The setting was amazing, just what my body craved and my mind needed. The secret escape to dive deeper into how I was feeling and provide clarity of what I’ve learned from those feelings. A natural Chatty Kathy, It’s enlightening and awakening to sit in a room full of strangers; perfectly content by myself. Not a word has been uttered and company wasn’t welcomed.

I needed some me time to just be in the moment for the moment and I realized that although I may not find my footing, I can find my grounding.

I can create the moments that make me the happiest and most content, like a solo date to my favorite jazz lounge. A relaxing bath with my favorite facial, book, and wine. Journaling my thoughts and coloring my story. My walks through nature while listening to Duke Ellington. A night with friends at my favorite Arcade/Bar, or a girls night in with food and conversation. Sad moments may come and go, angry ones too, but I can choose how many happy moments I have and for how long they’ll last – the secret is You Can Too!

Piece

Piece
Sonneblom Lex
March 6, 2019
 
Photo Credit: Briauna Walls

See just because it happens to you,

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt me too,

See, I feel the pain that you feel,

The shame that you feel,

Even the regret and the despise that you feel,

See, I’m a piece of you,

Like your a piece of me,

And all I want,

Is for you to stop suffering,

See, all I want is for you to stop crying,

To stop hurting, to stop dying,

See, I wish I could save you,

But that isn’t my place,

See, it’s up to you from here on out,

What’s its gonna be?

You gonna give up or you gonna win this race?

See, what’s it gonna be,

You gone put on ya brave face,

Lift ya hands up,

And guard the thrown?

Or will you throw your sword down,

And lay defeated on the ground?

A part of me knows,

See, I know your strength,

I know your secrets untold,

See, apart of me knows that there’s a pain inside,

One holding your soul,

See, apart of me knows that you’ve died inside,

Unsure of the road that leads you home,

I see fury inside,

The weakness,

The unsureness,

The needing to be told where to go,

I see the confusion etched across your face,

As your heart unfolds,

I see the hope,

The desire,

The wanting, the wishing, the praying,

That things would go back,

To where they were before the shield covered your sight,

Before you lost hope that you could win this fight,

Before someone told you that things weren’t going to be alright,

See, I want to protect you,

But I know I can’t,

I know the wishing, wanting, and praying,

Won’t change anything unless you let it,

See, I know the strength that you bare,

I know all the things that you’ve carried on your back,

And I know all the things that were brought to you under attack,

But you’ve been resilient since you were a small child,

And although this road feels defeated,

You’re a victor, awaiting the chance to adjust your crown…

-Sonneblom Lex♥️

 

 

The Boy I Love

 

 

 

Photo Credit: FocusNBlur

The Boy I Love

Aisha Arij

I want to tell the boy I love,
That I just can’t keep loving him like this.
That as much as he don’t like talking,
I don’t like being ignored
And for every time he tells me that he’s trying,
It just don’t feel hard enough.
For all the depression carved into my own wrists
My skin just ain’t thick enough to deal with his too.
I want to tell the boy I love,
To just be happy.
To just smile and look at the bright side of things
But I know depression don’t work like that
So instead I’m learning to be silent
And learning not to taint his sadness with my laughter anymore.
I don’t want him feeling left out of what he can’t get into.
I want to tell him,
That all the sunshine
Is right on the other side of
His friend’s dying,
His father demanding a relationship that was never there,
And the girls that couldn’t have a 3-way relationship with him and his broken.
That everything good
Is on the other side of everything he needs to forget.
With no happy to give me in return.
That I’m sorry but
I just can’t love me enough for the both of us.
I want to tell the boy that I love,
That I’ve been finding people who laugh with me
And I have an elementary school crush on someone
Who can share happiness.
And that it makes me feel guilty to turn my back on love
For something to make me feel good.
How selfish,
To cram it all into a minute-long poem
And tell everyone but him,
That I don’t want to love him anymore.

Diary Entry Of My Older Brother

img_4162-1
Hyper Realistic Pencil Drawing By Criss Nhamussua

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Diary Entry of My Older Brother – Poem 

Aisha Arij

On February 28th, Sweet Sunday,

I woke up to the holy trinity of

My sisters, my brothers, and my mother

Singing.

“Happy birthday to you”

Over a plate of eggs, sausage, and pancakes

With gospel music creeping around my house this morning,

Hanging a gut feeling over my stomach,

That today is going to be a good day.

On my 21st birthday

I kicked it with my niggas

Got some liquor in my system

And we preyed on all the sistas.

I as always taught to enjoy the little things in life

While they lasted.

So, I ingested foreshadowed poisons that night

Until my vision grew darker than my skin.

I only seen a flash of

White woman embarrassed

Turned red

My back beat like emmett

Till it turned thick shades of

Bloody blue.

They whipped my back to bend upright,

Like,

I wasn’t under the free American flag too?

Like,

My money don’t read “In God We Trust” too?

Like,

Those three colors only stand for

The red bloodshed of

Anybody who ain’t white or

Got that blue uniform

On

My 21st birthday,

My eyes slashed open to a reality that was insensitive

To black birthdays that made it past 18 cause,

That’s too much of an unfortunate miracle.

“Happy birthday to you”

On my 21st birthday

I choked on my own blood

One

Lord, please forgive me for my sins

Two

I’ve been shot

Three

Four

Five times,

I try to reach for my identification

Six

I gotta make it home officer,

I gotta make it home.

I got a son, and he just turned

Seven

Deadly sins.

Just let me grab my wallet. The bulge in my pocket.

“Please Officer, it’s my birthday”

I guess he had a metal present for me.

I never expected to make it past 21 but now

I am drowning in the sweat of the 21st century.

The irony holds my hands up.

Don’t shoot.

My right hand shakes under the weight of trying to

Hold up my freedom

And my left hand holds my heart

Ready to hand over the courage that I was never taught

Because I never had a dad.

The cop who already holds my life in his hands,

Cannot be satisfied with just mine.

He got monthly quota to keep up with,

That’s understandable right?

Something like my mama’s monthly dose of food stamps, riight?

Cause my life is only equivalent

To skittles and arizona anyways,

Remember?

Ain’t that right officer?

Will you tell that to the courts of my corpse makes

It to trial?

How valuable my life was?

How sorry you are for making my son

Another fatherless black boy.

How he may just be another murder waiting to happen

Since he came out black,

Boy – statistically helpless.

On my 21st birthday,

I talked to God.

He looked me up and down with a noose as a smile,

“I’ll be damned,” he chuckled.

“How’d you find yourself wrapped up

In the white man’s heaven, boy?

Spilling your chocolate blood all over the bible

Cause you had faith in all that vanilla?

Ansa me! How’d you let a slave ship

Break yo ancestry of a sin

And wash you up to the gates that only open

To pure white skin

You know black is too powerful of a sin

For you to try to go anywhere other than

The funeral you’ve been dressed for your entire life.”

On my 21st,

I went to sleep for the last time

Dressed in black pigment..

I’ve been prepared for my homegoing

Before I knew I had to be.

Buried days after my 21st

And you wanna know what they sang at my funeral?

“Happy birthday dear black boy.”

Mirror, Mirror… on the Wall

Published: January 19, 2019
Sonneblom Lex

Mirror, Mirror… on the Wall

img_5284
Photo Credit: Briauna Walls

All it takes is a word. Something small but grand. Something loud and profound.

All it takes is a glimmer. A glimmer of hope. A glimmer of love. A speckle of yourself that you’ve never seen before.

Mirror, mirror… on the wall – whose the fairest of them all?

turned on beige and white table lamp

Stretching awake, I peeled my eyes open as my hand simultaneously crashed down onto my old brown alarm clock. It was the same routine every morning since I was in the fifth grade. Yep! The ulgy old thing seemed to work much better than the options technology has provided over the years. I’m not sure if it’s the tradition that my Grandmother started me on years ago or if it’s the fact that no matter how many times I’ve heard this sound I can’t seem to sleep in past the nerve wrecking noise that blast through my eardrums with no remorse for my peace and comfort. The sun peeked through the blackout curtains I’d hung to enjoy those mid-day naps, the birds chirped as they sat on the branches outside my window. The greeting was welcomed as I knew with these commonalities God had blessed me with a new day.

apartment architecture bathroom bathtub

Peeling myself from the comfort of my plush sheets and pillow top mattress my body staggered towards the place that I entered each morning to begin my day. The first task threatened to leave my body as I quickly made a dash for my seating. I sat, releasing a much needed breath as I simultaneously leaned over to turn on the shower.

Rising from my seat, I wiped a smear off the mirror and looked at myself at the start of the day. This small detail was one of the most important during my morning routine. This was something I’d been sure to incorporate into my daily life to remind myself never to forget what I looked like each day, to reflect on how I’ve changed each day, to marvel over how I acquire a new level of beauty and expertise every day.

img_5285
Photo Credit: Briauna Walls

As I peered into the details of  I noticed a twinge of something different. Something appeared that I’d never seen before. It appeared in the rim of my eyes, in the dimples in my cheeks, and within the lines of my smile. I’d always been bright and bubbly but this was a genuine smile. This was a different smile. The girl looking back at me wasn’t the girl I grew up knowing but rather the girl I remembered.

The child that ran free and wild into the arms of my grandmother. The girl who spent countless hours riding a bike and roughhousing with the fellas. The girl who was always socially awkward with those among my age group but the social butterfly in crowds decades older. The girl who was loud and boisterous and didn’t care to chime it down. The girl who built igloo’s with her brothers and climbed trees far taller than she could remember. See, this girl didn’t look like me….

She looked – looked like who I use to be, who I’ve been searching for, who I wanted to be…

abstract art awareness branches

One ripple. One wave. One conversation. One interaction.

It happened over the last few weeks.

The transformation of my eyes, ones that had forgotten about hope. The transformation of my beliefs; finally freeing myself from the captivity of normalcy while entering the depths of the unknown and endless possibilities. The confidence to grab a hold to the freedom of living and believe in my dreams.

God was able to show me everything about me, that I’d forgot I was meant to be. It started with the

img_5286
Photo Credit: Briauna Walls

What’s special is that God aligned everything so perfectly that even if I wanted to revert back to the things of my past, I couldn’t. The very blessing he’d given me to impact all those around me had become suffocated in the place I was currently in.

“Smile. You haven’t been lately.” 

Those words alone sealed any deals or second guessing I could have had. The wrong place for me had stolen a piece of me that I hadn’t realized disappeared. In the midst of God revealing who I am, he revealed where he wants me to be, what my purpose is and how I can help change this world.

Perhaps that is why when I walked past that mirror, and looked deep into my soul – all I could see was a stranger staring back at me. God had revealed Me to Me and I finally felt free to be just who he called me to be.

-Sonneblom Lex

Mirror, Mirror… on the Wall

Mirror, Mirror… on the Wall

architecture bridge buildings canal

All it takes is a word. Something small but grand. Something loud and profound.

All it takes is a glimmer. A glimmer of hope. A glimmer of love. A speckle of yourself that you’ve never seen before.

Mirror, mirror… on the wall – whose the fairest of them all?

turned on beige and white table lamp

Stretching awake, I peeled my eyes open as my hand simultaneously crashed down onto my old brown alarm clock. It was the same routine every morning since I was in the fifth grade. Yep! The ulgy old thing seemed to work much better than the options technology has provided over the years. I’m not sure if it’s the tradition that my Grandmother started me on years ago or if it’s the fact that no matter how many times I’ve heard this sound I can’t seem to sleep in past the nerve wrecking noise that blast through my eardrums with no remorse for my peace and comfort. The sun peeked through the blackout curtains I’d hung to enjoy those mid-day naps, the birds chirped as they sat on the branches outside my window. The greeting was welcomed as I knew with these commonalities God had blessed me with a new day.

apartment architecture bathroom bathtub

Peeling myself from the comfort of my plush sheets and pillow top mattress my body staggered towards the place that I entered each morning to begin my day. The first task threatened to leave my body as I quickly made a dash for my seating. I sat, releasing a much needed breath as I simultaneously leaned over to turn on the shower.

Rising from my seat, I wiped a smear off the mirror and looked at myself at the start of the day. This small detail was one of the most important during my morning routine. This was something I’d been sure to incorporate into my daily life to remind myself never to forget what I looked like each day, to reflect on how I’ve changed each day, to marvel over how I acquire a new level of beauty and expertise every day.

photo of woman looking at the mirror

As I peered into the details of  I noticed a twinge of something different. Something appeared that I’d never seen before. It appeared in the rim of my eyes, in the dimples in my cheeks, and within the lines of my smile. I’d always been bright and bubbly but this was a genuine smile. This was a different smile. The girl looking back at me wasn’t the girl I grew up knowing but rather the girl I remembered.

The child that ran free and wild into the arms of my grandmother. The girl who spent countless hours riding a bike and roughhousing with the fellas. The girl who was always socially awkward with those among my age group but the social butterfly in crowds decades older. The girl who was loud and boisterous and didn’t care to chime it down. The girl who built igloo’s with her brothers and climbed trees far taller than she could remember. See, this girl didn’t look like me….

She looked – looked like who I use to be, who I’ve been searching for, who I wanted to be…

abstract art awareness branches

One ripple. One wave. One conversation. One interaction.

It happened over the last few weeks.

The transformation of my eyes, ones that had forgotten about hope. The transformation of my beliefs; finally freeing myself from the captivity of normalcy while entering the depths of the unknown and endless possibilities. The confidence to grab a hold to the freedom of living and believe in my dreams.

God was able to show me everything about me, that I’d forgot I was meant to be. It started with the

woman standing beside shore holding mirror on her back

What’s special is that God aligned everything so perfectly that even if I wanted to revert back to the things of my past, I couldn’t. The very blessing he’d given me to impact all those around me had become suffocated in the place I was currently in.

“Smile. You haven’t been lately.” 

Those words alone sealed any deals or second guessing I could have had. The wrong place for me had stolen a piece of me that I hadn’t realized disappeared. In the midst of God revealing who I am, he revealed where he wants me to be, what my purpose is and how I can help change this world.

Perhaps that is why when I walked past that mirror, and looked deep into my soul – all I could see was a stranger staring back at me. God had revealed Me to Me and I finally felt free to be just who he called me to be.